I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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