my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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