Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
