There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
