Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
