Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
