Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
