o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
