There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my sisters under your porch take her home
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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