He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We need a shit load of segways right now
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
