Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
