Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
