somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
