You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
