In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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