He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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