I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
