Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
