do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize