i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
