If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
