grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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