i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
