Just fell off a train. Bad.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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