Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
