I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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