Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
