If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
