dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
