my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize