Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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