I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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