I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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