I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Found the puke drawer
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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