I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
