So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
ttyl tear gas
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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