I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Who died my cat blue again?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
