I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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