I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
