i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
