i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
