Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think my vagina is haunted
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
