My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
