How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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