You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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