i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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