Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's shark week go big or go home
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
