I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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