the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
