It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
