I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
