Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
