if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
