Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
