She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
