i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
