UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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