is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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