Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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