He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
