Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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