That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
