Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize