I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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