My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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