Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
