I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
