You're completely useless in the revolution.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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